Late Night Confessions

06/02/2012

I recently remembered someone complaining that I only blog about movies. Looking back on my blog entries, this seems like a pretty valid complaint. so because I’m depressed and awake, and ranting on Twitter only makes things more depressing, I’ve decided to compile a random list of confessions and publish them online. Because at 4am that is always a good idea. Recommendation: get them while they’re hot. There’s always the chance I will read them in horror in the morning and remove all evidence they exist. Then again, who knows. Maybe this could become a running Friday night serial. What will crazy old Ryan say next!?

 

1. I know for a fact that I have a cavity in at least one of my back teeth. I’ve arguably had this cavity for over a year, but I secretly still believe that brushing hard and often enough will make cavities go away.

 

2. Also I’ve recently contracted poison ivy, which I am extremely, abnormally allergic to. The last time this happened it spread to every part of my body and kept me from sleeping and was one of the most miserable physical ailments I have ever endured. You might think that this would make me especially proactive about stopping it’s spread this time. It hasn’t. In fact, I haven’t really done anything yet. I went to Walgreens and asked them what I should do about six days after I started breaking out. They told me to buy this one $40 stuff that would work right away, and that I should accept no substitutes. I bought the $15 stuff next to it instead. It has done nothing.

 

3. I should mention that I’m still on my mom’s insurance and it covers almost all doctors visits 100% as well as medications and I could probably get all of this taken care of for free. This also applies to the dentist and the cavity thing. While I was working I kept saying I didn’t have time to make it to the doctors. Now that I’m not working for a while, I  feel I can’t make it because I have to move soon and need to spend as much time with family as possible before that happens.

 

4. I have a gnawing fear that some terrible psychological disorder keeps me from doing things to help myself, or even doing things that I enjoy. For instance, I love movies as much as anyone I know, yet I rarely watch them. And sometimes I can be watching a movie and loving it, and then just randomly stop watching it. I cannot explain why. Also, I have a REALLY hard time doing more than one big thing in a single day. When I was going to school, I would skip classes on the days of major events. I never really planned on doing this. It just sort of happened. I’ve read books/parts of books/internet articles about Aspergers, ADHD, dissociation disorders, narcissism, tourettes, depression, and anxiety, and whichever one I read last is the one I’m most convinced is my primary problem. It’s worth noting I’ve been medically diagnosed with a majority of them.

 

5. I have a psychiatrist right now. I don’t really ever see him. I also haven’t talked to him about most of the things I’ve mentioned here. He just signs refills for my ADHD meds. Admittedly he’s very difficult to schedule, and I should probably find somebody else, but…

 

6. …I have an irrational fear of disappointing people. It borders on psychosis. I literally started tearing up when I told my manager at Wal-Mart I was leaving. That’s not an exaggeration. I go through months-long stints of depression every time I forget to give someone back a book or a DVD. Ironically, this does not stop me from being the worst person I know about getting things back to people. My friends can attest to this.

 

7. I don’t think the protagonists in Noah Baumbach or Charlie Kaufman movies are weird at all. In fact they are the only movie protagonists I relate to.

 

8. For this reason, I have a really hard time watching those movies. Whenever something happens to a protagonist that would embarrass me in real life, I usually pause it and most of the time I don’t pick up watching again. I suspect this is some form of dissociation (I also don’t really know what my face looks like because I ambiguously avoid analyzing it in the mirror) but I randomly stopped reading the dissociation book at page 50 and whenever I go to talk to my psychiatrist I’m feeling pretty good so I assume it’s not an issue and don’t bring it up.

 

9. I have made a list of my 10 favorite films from 2011 at least once every two weeks since last November. The selected films are essentially the same each time, with the rankings shifted somewhat even though I probably haven’t seen any of them since the last time I ranked them. Currently it goes:

 

A Separation – Asghar Farhadi

Tree of Life – Terrence Malick

Pina – Wim Wenders

Poetry – Lee Chang-dong

Moneyball – Bennet Miller

Of Gods and Men – Xavier Dubois

Midnight in Paris – Woody Allen

Attack the Block – Joe Cornish

The Trip – Michael Winterbottom

Terri – Azazel Jacobs

 

I’m considering publishing a supplement to my original list once I get the chance to see Margaret and We Need to Talk About Kevin.

 

10. I have had many opportunities to see We Need to Talk About Kevin and have not taken any of them.

 

11. I discover irrefutable things about myself and tell myself I will remember then, and then after a couple of weeks I usually doubt they’re true. For instance, I really, truly, deeply, at the core of my being love writing and making films. It makes me happier than anything else in the world. Every time I make a film, at the most miserable, stressful point in the process, I always pause just so I can remember that at the actual worst point it is still my favorite thing. Yet when I’m done with the project, it takes A LOT of coaxing to get me to do another project. I haven’t directed a film in two years.

 

12. I blame the Midwest for a lot of my problems. Sometimes I really want to die unhappy and unsuccessful just to spite the Midwest. This is of course absolutely absurd. I’m not sure what other force in my life the Midwest is standing in for — myself, God, etc. — but since I feel like digging into that will open a really uncomfortable can of worms, I just don’t explore that train of thought any further.

 

13. I blame technology for a lot of my problems. I’m almost certainly addicted to Facebook and Twitter, but because I despise the idea of being addicted to them, I refuse to believe it’s true whenever I’m feeling good.

 

14. I simultaneously need to be around people more than anyone else I know and hate being around people. I’m absolutely miserable in the presence of multiple people. It drains every ounce of life out of me. I’m way more alive when I’m alone, but I’m also miserable then. I really only watch movies, talk about movies, read books, talk about books, or better myself in any way shape or form for social reasons. When the social reasons cease to be tangible, I cease to do that thing. That said, I despise the idea of being that type of person and therefore actively avoid being social.

 

15. I blame a lot of my problems on my parents loving me too much. Since I didn’t need to earn their love, maybe I don’t think I need to earn anything else in life and so I don’t work to keep the things I want and assume they will be given to me and then when they’re not I think the world is going to hell and feel wronged.

 

16. By that logic I only graduated and hold down a job because of my ridiculous fear of disappointing people.

 

17. I secretly believe that I hate film and writing and that my entire life is just one big Jonah metaphor and there’s some big thing God wants me to do and I’m using those things as an excuse to run away from it. No idea what that thing would be. Logically I’ve reasoned it probably has something to do with water in Africa.

 

18. As a student of literature and drama, I can totally see parallels between myself and almost all major protagonists. I know that self-respect and responsibility are key, and that immersing myself into any form of service should fulfill me. But I secretly believe I am the exception to this and that if I volunteered at a homeless shelter my lack of social skills would horribly insult all the homeless people and they would get so depressed at the lack of human connection with me that they would kill themselves. If anyone reading this does not know me personally, my ego requires me to point out that I don’t just sit on the floor all the time. I generally function as a member of society and help people out when I can. In fact there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m absolutely normal, am justified in thinking everything I think, and I could take you in a fight.

 

19. Arguably I won’t believe any of these things are true, or that I even ever believed them, in the morning. But right this second I can recall hundreds, if not thousands, of circumstances in which I have thought them and accepted that I always thought them. Because I most recently read the book on dissociation, I believe my Aspergers, ADHD, depression, anxiety, and tourettes are all misdiagnosed and this repeated duality is the beginning of a multiple personality disorder.

 

20. I’ve knowingly lied or excluded major details at least four times in this article, in each instance to make myself seem better than I actually am.

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One Response to “Late Night Confessions”

  1. that’s how you spell tourettes?

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