Someone always throws the first punch
But not always the one standing at the end
I search for your hair on my pillow
Like I’m excavating a crime scene
I make a chalk outline where you left an impression
And cone off half the bed
I put your toothbrush and a stray hairband in plastic bags
Marked evidence
I tell myself tomorrow I will identify the guilty party
Then I tape off the whole bedroom
And sleep on the couch


In the beginning, God Created the Heavens and the Earth.
Well, not really the beginning.
First He thought about it for a good long while
Eternity, in fact
But being God, He had that kind of Time
So eventually He decided to go for it
And God said let there be Light
And He saw that the Light was good
But was it, really?
Blinding and everywhere
It certainly sold the majesty and glory
But it was also a bit hyperbolic
So God cooled it down with Darkness
Which wasn’t so bad
It certainly balanced out the Light
But the Darkness was just so maudlin
Now every Light sat by itself, silhouetted against a black abyss
God decided to sleep on it
So there was evening and morning, the first day
On the second day
1:45 PM, to be exact
God stopped hitting snooze on His alarm
And looked back at the universe
It needs more contrast, He observed
So God thought about what other contrasts He could work in
He needed something that wasn’t too much like Light and Darkness
Around 5:00 PM He had worked Himself into a frenzy
He was pacing
Muttering to Himself
What was He so worried about?
He was the only One watching
Why bother hesitating?
He could just start over if it sucked.
I’m God, He told Himself
Yeah, I Am!
I’ve got infinite power
In fact, nothing that’s made would be made
If I didn’t make it
Whatever I make should be grateful I made it
And He clenched his stomach and shouted out
Sky and Water
And He felt better once he’d done it
He opened his eyes
And He really liked Sky
Water had its good points too
They certainly weren’t like Light and Darkness
He decided He would keep them
Now He was getting somewhere
He rewarded Himself by taking the rest of the night off
But now God couldn’t take His mind off the whole project
So He lay awake all night
And eventually decided that Sky and Water weren’t exactly opposites
Not the way Light and Darkness were
He considered something else–Matter and Antimatter?
[He wrote both words in a notebook]
No, He thought, He had committed to Sky and Water
He had to make them work
So He decided to try a third contrast
And before the third day was out, He came up with Land
[He also snuck in Antimatter, but thought it would be better as subtext and didn’t tell anyone about it]
He decided it was perfect
He was excited to enjoy it
He sat on the Land
He stuck His feet in the Water
He looked at the Sky
In Light and in Darkness
He told Himself it was good
And He went to bed
But honestly, it was boring
That was obvious in the cold Light of the fourth day
There was no risk here
It totally lacked in drama
It was nap music
He thought that was good?
He couldn’t trust His instincts
Maybe He should start over?
No, He thought, I need to get better at finishing things
Eternity behind Me and I’ve made exactly one thing
He got the idea for Plants and vegetation in a dream during a depression nap
He was so excited
He spent the whole afternoon painting on every little blade of grass
And He went right through midnight
And as morning came on day five, He was burnt out
I spent all afternoon drawing little green lines in the ground
And what did it really do?
Who did it really benefit?
I need something more intimate
So God got Himself some Fish
And He prepped their habitats
And made special Plants for them to feed on
And occasionally He would make bubbles float around them to see them swim away
He spent a whole day procrastinating like this
He told Himself it was good for His soul
But day six came around and He felt guilty
He needed to see it through
To take this to its logical conclusion
Until You risk going too far, You never know how far You can go
So God decided to test the whole Fish situation on Land
As a thought exercise
He called them Animals
He decided He liked them best of everything He had done so far
Just thinking about the Platypus made him chuckle til he did the snort thing
He did the same thing with the Sky right away
Throwing out birds and bats and pterodactyls and shit like it was nothing
I need to remember this, God told Himself
This is what happens when I discipline My instincts
I have to learn to enjoy hard work
For an Almighty Being, I have been floating around in nothingness far too long
Creation is friction
It’s the course I set myself on
I can never go back
And so God decided that He would brainstorm one last best idea before He went to bed that night
And He thought and thought and thought
He wouldn’t let Himself sleep until He had it
He was setting His foot down
And eventually it came to Him
I could make something in My own image!
Enough random creation!
This matter is just an obfuscation!
I’ve been avoiding Self-expression!
And so God explored His own nature
His own habits
His own hopes and desires
And decided He would Plant them all
Into the most honest, powerful work He had ever released
He imagined the rave reviews now
And decided to create panels of Cherubim and Seraphim
Just to praise the release
He checked on all His favorite Water/Sky/Land areas
Like Yosemite
And New Zealand
Making sure the Light was just right
And then it hit Him
He was going to have to show this to an audience
He was sure they would like it
He thought about what they would see
On the one hand, there was sex and music
On the other hand, there was cancer and artificial peach flavoring
He decided He would take the seventh day off
Just to be sure.


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