I Shot a Movie Yesterday

06/25/2017

It seems like a small thing. Actually, it is a small thing. With everything going on in the world right now, I almost didn’t write about this because, frankly, who cares.

But through the microscope of my personal experience, it was huge. Last September, just before I started suffering insane side effects from my use of Adderall, I began shooting a short film. It was nothing world-changing. It barely qualified as art. But it was something I had written at a vulnerable moment, and it meant something to me. At almost that exact same time I finally melted. I became more depressed and anxious than any other time in my life. I started having panic attacks on a daily basis. Some nights I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t able to relax around other people. Simple tasks like showering or doing laundry became unbearable. I almost had to move back in with my parents because I just could not function on a day to day basis. I blogged about a lot of this last year, but that was before things got really bad. When things got really bad I didn’t have the words to express how bad they were.

This weekend, nine months later, I finished shooting that short film. Recovery has been slow and isn’t anywhere close to 100% complete. It’s still hard for me to focus for more than a few hours at a time. I still get bad headaches, and I’m very emotionally distant most of the time. It’s still harder for me to engage the world consistently than at any other time in my life, and I’ve suffered from severe depression since I was a teenager. Still, this was a symbolic reminder that I didn’t give up. While I don’t always feel like my efforts are actually working, this was real-world evidence that after changing nearly everything about my life, I could do something that I once feared I had lost the ability to do for good. I was able to pick up a task that I had to drop for nearly a year, and I was able to finally complete it.

And it felt amazing. It was the best I’ve felt since last summer.

A special thanks to Dawson Ehlke and Brickson Schwenn who both donated a not-insignificant amount of their lives to helping me finish. It meant a lot.

That’s all I have to say. Happy Pride weekend everyone.

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